In a recent IG post, Lysa Terkeurst said to her husband, “I still get afraid sometimes.” And then he patiently says, “Of course you do. Do you want to talk about it or just sit here together?” And that’s the slow rebuilding of trust. It can’t be rushed. But it can be done."
I love this.
The "do you want to talk about it or just sit here together?"
The holding space...
It is similar to holding space in the way we do in my circle for a woman in labor. Every woman and baby has this dance they should be able to have space to do. To feel safe. To be able to open up and feel and move through stages to a birth...of so much more than just a wee one.
So this is true as someone dies, of loss, of tragedy, recovery, of forgiveness and reconciliation, of letting go. We can learn to guard space for these as well. Just as every labor is unique, so is the unfolding of a painful experience. We have to move through stages and each person does this differently. At a birth we see a baby and it's arrival is imminent. With pain, the transition is different. The time it takes can vary so much more. And even as days evolve into years, triggers still occur. They change as we heal but they are always there.
Lysa’s story may not sound the same as yours on the surface-neither is mine- but the foundational needs of forgiveness and moving through pain are so the echoes of my own journey!! And are for the growth of us all! Rejection and betrayal and loneliness and shame are at the root of so many issues no matter the surface issues appearing different.
And so is the rebuilding of trust. Even if restoration with the offending person isn’t possible, healing can occur. Learning to trust again is more than trusting any one person. It often is learning to trust your own gut again. It is learning to not be afraid to live and move forward.
In some relationships we will need healthy boundaries as part of rebuilding trust. But even then trusting a person is less paramount that learning a greater level of trust in the One who holds all things in His hands. People will continue to fail but He does not. Where is my foundation? Where is yours? It’s ok to keep reevaluating that and to build the foundation stronger and stronger. Actually, that would be considered healthy, normal growth. It’s not enough to know on your head what it should be. In your heart you have to match that head knowledge and believe it.
To do so I have found several things that are critical for me. I journal. I have filled more journals in the past two years than I care to list. I spend a lot more time in prayer than ever before. I choose my intimate friends closely. I can be authentic with anyone but some of my most intimate details I am learning are not for people who don't "get me" or people who lack genuine love. I take care to nourish my body naturally and support my thyroid, adrenals, digestive system and liver...these are areas my stress taxes the most. It may not be the same for you.
Be mindful. Be present. Be patient.
Strengthen your foundation.
Overcome fear to move forward.