I have four daughters. One of them passed me this book. A second started reading it bc her sister did. Unscripted each girl has come to me with this page (in their own blank copy) as if it was their own heart’s journal entry. I haven’t picked it up in months but today another child brought this same passage again to my attention. Intermittent reminders as my own heart hurts. I understand. I too have wrestled with the past handed to me and the present we are walking out. Everything is questioned when betrayal and rejection of this magnitude is put into motion. And it magnifies the healing and the need to heal. It cries out to beg the Holy Spirit for a better way and for a foundation that isn’t dependent on other peoples choices. How can we forgive? How can we be real with what is happening but honoring? David never trusted Saul again bc Saul never had a real heart change/encounter with grace yet David honored his role in his life. Saul became the test of David’s heart to hear, obey, trust God. Only a path of forgiveness can shoulder both reality and honor, letting go and moving forward. Honor doesn’t minimize reality. Honor didn’t enable. Honor sees people the way God sees them and their true worth. It is difficult to do both and impossible in your own strength in moments of trading bitterness for feeling pain. The pain that allows for healing. The healing that allows for freedom. It wasn’t ultimately freedom from Saul. It was freedom for needing Saul in unhealthy ways. It was moving from no longer idolizing Saul and putting YHWH as the center.
I pray that if you resonate with this you can begin to see your worth and identity apart from any person. Shed religious rules and reach for real relationship. Figure out how to be loved, to love and know you are lovable apart from any person's opinion. This does not mean we neglect the personal parts that we need to work on. It gives joy strength to grow and work on the parts that we need to work on in ourselves! That is the work we are doing here in our home. It is brutal some days yet the growth and healing one step at a time feels significantly worth it. I pray for that tenacity and courage for you.