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Saying Goodbye

A few weeks ago I said goodbye to the toxicity that has only found a redemptive story in the letting go process I have been pushed into over the past 8 years. I borrowed a shovel and when asked if "I had it from here", I just raised my hand in affirmation without turning around and took each step forward with determination. I have no idea if anyone held back and watched or gave me complete space. It did not really matter because the moment was mine. I wanted both solitude and was wishful for someone to stand close by. It took courage to take the first steps and I ran out of it to ask for the second. 

The wind ran through my hair, warm and confident. I closed my eyes for a long time and soaked in the sun, the feel of it over my skin and it just felt like it was a moment between myself and the One who never leaves and is always present. The breeze felt like a whisper to my soul and I did not want to miss a single word of His promises. 

I forgot how hard Tennessee soil can be to dig in as I picked up the shovel. Cuz where I live now the soil is so amazingly rich and yielding. (I have never seen soil like it in my 11+ years in TN. That felt significant.) But each rock gave way and the clay shifted as YHWH gave me strength to chisel against the unforgiving ground. 

And contrary to the resistance of the soil was release as I lay my box into the hole. This little box was a gift that came with a price I could no longer pay. It wasn't about true love or humility, sacrifice or tenacity. By the time this box came into my hands it was full of empty promises, deceit, demands and control. It symbolizes an interior that neglected to find a healing path and instead tried to hold onto an outward appearance to cover it up. It threatened to take us all down with it. 

Yet nothing is wasted. Not one moment of my past.

Selah. Pause. Ponder.

So I say thank You YHWH for the last 25 years that has only led me closer to You. It unlocked me, prepared me for this moment and a future, whatever that may hold. If I can see Your hand in this, how much more do you have for me that I can not yet see? I love You more...more than anyone or anything else. Thank You for loving me first. 

And this is me finding another layer of closure in this part of my story, a small part of many pieces I am wrapping up as I simultaneously move forward.

And I hope it encourages you that there is a future past the pain. Forgiveness is a choice and yet the healing process is a journey. Do not give up. Find ways to let go, to receive truth for who you are and who you are called to be! You are unapologetically loved, valued and Yeshua fought for you even when no one else would not. He faced betrayal, rejection and unimaginable pain by choice just to be with you. There is life after a death... just as spring follows winter and a seed dies to produce a sprout. 



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