Not in My Vocabulary
Sometimes what you fight for you have to die to. Sometimes you get it back. Sometimes you don't.
I have fought for it.
Begged for it. Fought all my fears for it. Been vulnerable for it Taken risks for it. Stuck up for it. Tried to perform and be enough fit it Prayed for it Fasted for it
I made a covenant and I intended to keep it. I did everything humanly possible to do so. I thought making that declaration was enough. I thought faith in God was enough.
It wasn't enough.
The enemy looks for every opportunity to unravel the seams of covenant through unforgiveness and triggers from your past to aim at each other.
The word I wouldn't allow to be part of my vocabulary. The word i have been too scared to acknowledge. I wanted to leave my children a different legacy to build they own future on.
But I so avoided the fear of it I failed somewhere to recognize truly that God is the One who holds it altogether. If He is not truly the foundation and the center and yet if you proclaim He is, somewhere that has to be made firm. Either you start that way or learn to walk that way. I didn't know the former and have had to learn the hard way the other.
I have grown in 21 years. I am beyond thankful. I'm tenaciously weaving my way through the hurt to learn that He is my Provider, Path Maker and Battle Fighter and Him alone. No one can determine my outcome and what was meant to destroy me can become a season of great growth and healing. I'm moving through this process and I don't know what will be on the other side. But moving through is the only way to the other side. This I know intimately.
Healing can hurt. Healing deep wounds requires removing the scab to get to the infection and draw it out.
I'm teaching my children that it is OK to feel. I'm teaching them to find a path of forgiveness. May this be the foundation that I didn't not have and I have fought to learn. May they find healing, feel loved, learn their significance in spite of other people's choices.
Learn to fight the right way, starting with addressing your fears and moving through them. You need a path of healing as an individual to have healthier relationships with others.